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You are terrified of inadvertently lying to your readers or enabling anyone to buy anything that they won’t 100% love.

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Lovehoney is the premiere international sex toy retailer!

Because I love you, you can always get 15% off your order at Lovehoney.

The concept of getting lost in masturbation, of enjoying it for its own sake, starts to feel foreign. Most people don’t care about your sex toy collection. For you they’ve already endured pain, cervix poking, pubic hair pulling. If you don’t label your charging cords, chaos will ensue. You’re forced to use terrible toys, and thus have shitty orgasms. When people ask you what you are up to lately, you have no fucking idea what to say. They do not need to know about the latest thing that entered and exited your vagina. Then, on the computer, you must Photoshop out all the additional dust and hairs that you couldn’t see with the naked eye. No matter how persuasive your argument, no matter how much you think you have the key to a company’s success, it will probably have no impact whatsoever. ——— Tell me, fellow sex toy reviewers — do you experience these same difficulties?

You become adept at clenching dildos with your vaginal muscles while you pull up your website’s dashboard. As huge and awesome and organized as your collection may be, it’s not something you can show off to just anyone who comes over. They don’t believe you because you “look so innocent.” They try to relate to you with awkward sex puns. You’ll recognize it in their faces, the thinly-veiled reluctance as you beg them to taste-test lube or try that useless stroker one more time. then interrogating them to get their opinion on the experience. Your credibility depends on trying mediocre and even horrible things more than once, just in case they will surprise you or redeem themselves. In fact, it’s far more likely that companies will react to negative reviews with mansplaining and threats of legal action!

Get 10% off your order at Spectrum Boutique with code EPIPHORA. The Ripple Small ($27), a fantastic introduction to anal beads.

Tantus has a fun Grab Bag section, where you can get highly-discounted toys in surprise (and unique! While you’re at it, check out this list of my favorite Tantus toys! shipping (or .95 off international shipping) at Crystal Delights with code EPIPHORA.

Get a free Karim Raschid Toybag ( value) with any purchase over .99 at Fun Factory with code EPIPHORA! Their Bootie is my all-time favorite silicone anal plug, I enjoy the odd sensations of the Bouncer and B Ball Uno, and the Tiger G5 and Big Boss G5 are impressively powerful vibrators for your money.

Fun Factory also makes menstrual cups, which I reviewed here.

One day, you get ballsy and set up a spread of dildos on your porch to photograph… You accidentally leave freshly-washed butt plugs on the edge of the sink and dildos on the coffee table, only realizing you’ve done so when it’s too late — when band practice is over, when the construction workers leave, when the door-to-door salespeople are already sitting on your couch.

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